Diary of a Drunk

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By Joy Enamuna

Today, Standing from an emergency meeting held at the seat of the Caliphate and convened by sensible and sober Nigerians drawn from all walks of life with different religious and political affiliation and associations, with yours truly as one of the distinguished drunkards representing DWB (Drunkards Without Borders) in response to the senseless butchering of Nigerians by UKO (unidentified killing objects) allegedly premeditated by Al Qaeda and master minded by Boko Haram, it was agreed that one of the many permanent solutions to the recalcitrant problems of insurgency is to transfer the Capital or what we call the Federal Capital Territory to Borno State.

Delivering the keynote address at the meeting, first I frowned at the choice of the venue of the meeting. It was the general belief of most DWB members that the venue was ostensibly chosen to render us ineffective. Thanks to the wisdom of the Seer, he had close to ten thousand metric tonnes of hard liquor stocked in our chartered flight paid for by a power drunk fellow. We were able to drink to stupor in the jerky and turbulent flight to Sokoto but to our pleasant surprise, a not so visible association known as Hard and Liquid Substances for Highness with the strange acronym HLSH provided us with endless kettles of a local brew known as BKT- Burukutu and other forms of alcohol bootlegged from neighboring countries.

I respectfully avoided standing while delivering the address so as not to give away the riots going on in my system. “Fellow Nigerians, we have tried to understand the strong resurgence of this menace that has shed needless blood and we have traced the root cause to poverty, power drunkenness and religious intolerance.” I belched loudly covering my mouth but the turbaned Alhaji sitting next to me might have perceived something because I watched him wrinkle his nose and murmur something in Arabic.

Since General Ibrahim Badamosi Babangida moved the Capital of Nigeria to Abuja hurriedly in the 90s, the amount of money flowing around that region has completely disenfranchised the poor people from that region. The castles and luxury cars, the designer clothes and perfumes, the private jets and the harem of women controlled by very few would frustrate any man into taking lives, considering that over 70% of Nigerians live below the poverty line.

To reverse this trend, we the DWB will work closely with our allies in the National Assembly-The Power Drunkards, to see that legislation is drafted and passed into law to move the Capital of the Nation to Borno State. Any politician elected or appointed who fails to move into Maiduguri will be impeached, sacked or recalled. Opposition groups and parties should naturally move into the troubled City or keep quiet forever.

I posed for effect, taking off my specs and putting them back on and continued. “The second problem as enumerated above is the activities of Power Drunkards! To this group I must on behalf of the DWB tender unreserved apology to Nigerians, while they are our allies our mode of drunkenness is markedly different as we get drunk with liquor while power is their intoxicant, even though we are aware that there is a thin line between us as many are perpetual drunkards and are still power drunk and vice versa.

As a short term measure, we are going to place all politicians across board on the National Minimum Wage. All political aspirants and appointees must declare their assets; any politician with up to a million Naira bankable cash should be disqualified. Any politician who owns more than a 3 bedroom bungalow should be ineligible to contest or get appointed. Any Nigerian who trains his wards or has undertaken treatment abroad should be banned from ever holding office in Nigeria. This will save the nation trillions of dollars that can be channelled into infrastructural development. I mention dollars because our monies now get missing in dollars so the official currency could as well be dollars.

The poor among the crowd broke out in tumultuous cheers, hoots, wild whistles and claps. Feeling like Mandela I threw a clenched fist up revelling in the ten seconds of fame. When the cheers died down I continued feeling very intellectual. “Lastly, religious intolerance has contributed in no small measure to this Frankenstein monster, here one has to be careful but the truth must be said. As a way or means for fostering religious harmony and peace, Federal, States and Local Governments should stop the unholy practice of sponsoring pilgrims to Holy Lands abroad. Special sites with religious significance should be declared holy sites in Nigeria; this will create a billion Naira industries with potentials of attracting foreign tourists and diversifying our mono economy. We also propose, where this is seen as extreme that the religious space should be broadened to include other religions like African Traditional Religion, Rastafarism, Buddhism, and other Eastern religions. This will hopefully forestall the bickering between the two dominant religions in Nigeria.

As I was stepping down from the podium I heard high pitch chants of “Jah bless you Mon, we fe chase the Babylon blood suckers, bumboclat!” I smiled at them as all I could understand was Jah Bless You!

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