By Monday Japhet Emo
Arising from a drunken binge I, like most other kind hearted Nigerians went to Abuja, a week after the Nyanya bomb blast to feel the pulse of the city and see if I could also donate blood.
Life seemed to have picked up as usual with Nigerians, attention has shifted to the two hundred and twenty nine or so girls abducted and taken to a forest ostensibly to be used as sex slaves or for ritual purposes one can’t really peep into the mind of the demonic extremist sect who take pleasure in killing innocent people to make a statement.
While in Abuja, I had the rare opportunity of drinking with renowned drunkards from both sides of the great divide as they struggled to impress Nigerians between Lucifer and Satan which is actually better. After a full gulp of something that looked like milk but it was served in a calabash, one of the kingpins of the APC explained to me that Lucifer is actually the name of an angel, at the height of his angelic powers he was commanding a melodious orchestra of angels who sang to the edification and glory of God the father, when he became pompous and started ego tripping that is when he took the big fall along with battalions of his co-travelers. On landing earth, he transformed to something dark, hideous and malevolent that is why his name changed to Satan, Devil or many of the other names he is known by.
The PDP man in our midst belching heavily from an over use of some imported whiskey spoke with his double chin wobbling as his tank sized belle heaved up and down in a funny rhythmic movement.\
He looked every square inch a glutton, he said the devil has never pretended to be a good man, all he does is give conditions. Every man has a choice, if you venture into the devil’s backyard and decide to dine with him, he is going to give you strict conditions and it will not matter whether you eat with a long spoon, knife or fork, you just have to keep those conditions else you get your fingers burnt, he warned that the devil you know is far better than an angel whose ancestry is unknown.
And so Nigerians are left to choose between the devil and the devil. Depressed, I strolled out of the bar to the quiet of the night whistling my favourite Cardinal Rex Jim Lawson song-Asaewo.
Suddenly I had a hushed call from a frantic young man hiding behind a broken down car, he beckoned on me to walk towards him. I stood still trying to make sense out of his desperate call and fishing for my Drunkards badge just in case he was some GSM thief (Drunkards without Borders have an MOU with petty thieves), just then I heard the word bomb! The alcohol vanished from my eyes as I hit the ground and rolled over with military precision, crawling towards the man calling me. I covered my ear and closed my eyes while praying to God to forgive my sins including lying but not restricted to adultery.
I opened my eyes slowly and saw President Goodluck Jonathan in military fatigue, a white scarf tied to his head, his eyes red blood shot as he handled a shining AK-47 menacingly, he uncorked something that looked like a grenade but took a swig and I understood immediately that it was “monkey tail” he waved in that military fashion to his troops, I heard “let’s go” he pointed two fingers in a direction that looked like the North-East, I saw men moving in twos and burst of gun fire ensued as the unseen enemies returned a staccato of fire, I saw the President charge past the CDS and some other generals I could not identify. Then all hell was let loose, sporadic gun fire interspersed with loud bangs that shook the very fabric of my soul gbimgbimgbim!!!
Then I saw from my hiding place, a bearded man in a white flowing gown with a gun slung across his shoulder making a dash for the dreaded forest known as sambisa, our eyes actually met and he said “I am in your city, I can see you but you can’t see me…”.
As if nothing happened the whole place fell silent, I got up and to my utter embarrassment and shame, I noticed I had wet my pants. As I walked briskly with the early morning breeze reminding me where I had erred, I had the unmistakable sound of the hoof of horses, when I looked up again, there was General Buhari with a band of retired soldiers on horseback. GMB as he is affectionately called by his ardent followers was sitting on a decorated horseback looking every inch a General while crazed and fanatical youthful followers howled and cried for the General to give the order for them to go into the mountains to fish out Abubakar Shekau.
The general’s eyes was trained on the sparse vegetation of the forest as he commanded all to be silent just by putting his index finger to his lips, he took out his binoculars and had a long hard look, then he yelled “let’s get the bloody baboons and dogs and soak them in blood…”. Like slow motion the irate youths charged with him most of them clutching spears, bows and arrows and Dane guns and cudgels and many other implements I couldn’t readily recognize.
Then I saw what confounded me the most immediately I turned a corner, I saw a giant poster of Murtala Nyako holding a broom with his right hand and cola nut in his left hand, he had a sinister sneer exposing tobacco stained teeth and to his right a heavily bearded man, his head covered with a white turban, AK-47 held high up above his head while rounds of ammunition formed a jacket across his shoulders. I tried to look at the name of the party but all I could see was NAPD. I hurried away from the disturbing poster thinking aloud how a serving governor can openly court…”Hey you” a stern looking police officer broke my chain of thoughts. The police inspector asked me why I was out alone at such an ungodly hour of the night, I described everything I saw and the officer let off a raucous laugh that kept echoing and re-echoing until he said “you must be mad or very dumb.”
Immediately I shut the door to my hotel room I heaved a sigh of relief took off my shoes, turned on the television set and again I saw Murtala Nyako reading from a green book, the cover of the book read: “Memo to….” I couldn’t see the rest of the writing but I saw 1966. I panicked and ran frantically to my wardrobe to pack my things, each clothe I took off the wardrobe had Nyako’s sardonic smile and the stained teeth, I left all and made for the door only for a lady I have never met before to shake me awake, she was naked and I was naked, I looked around bemused. I looked for telltale signs of intercourse and saw none just as I was thanking my stars she said “when you no dey dream yeye dream you dey try sha, give me ya number if you need me next time.” I tried to go back to sleep whether I could undo but she was fully dressed before me “oya give me my money.” The real nightmare is about to begin…
